


Missing You

by Alyssa_85



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Suicide Attempt, M/M, Missing You (Song), Self-Harm, Songfic, all time low - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 01:37:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3959554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyssa_85/pseuds/Alyssa_85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is having trouble with finding his place in the world, and as a result has fallen down the deep, dark hole of depression and self-harm.</p><p>WARNINGS: This songfic will have self-harm and implied suicide attempt, if that makes you uncomfortable, please, don't read.</p><p>I don't own the song, all rights of lyrics go to All Time Low.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missing You

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I tried my best at this. I added angst to tags because that's what I tried out. I'll let you be the judge on whether I did okay with that. Also, this is the first ever songfic I've wrote, and I have no idea if I did it well or not, so any input on how to maybe improve it, is much appreciated.

**_I heard that you've been,_ **

**_self-medicating in the quiet of your room,_ **

**_your sweet, suburban tomb,_ **

**_and if you need a friend,_ **

**_I'll help you stitch up your wounds._ **

 

Phil pushed open Dan's door expecting, due to the unusual silence, Dan to be asleep. But what Phil saw broke his heart. Dan was sat on his floor, back against the bed. Tears ran down his face as he slid the blade across his wrist.

"Dan!" Phil shouted, tears blurring his vision. Dan's head swung to face Phil, his eyes wide. At the sound of Phil's voice, Dan had dropped the blade to the floor.

"Phil," he whispered. Blood ran down his arm, droplets of it fell to his jeans.

"What are you doing?" Phil asked, although, he obviously knew the answer.

"I'm sorry." Was all Dan said, as he looked down at the floor avoiding Phil's eyes.

Phil rushed forwards, and sat down beside him. He gently took Dan's wrist in his fingers, and stared down at it. Old scars, and newer ones littered his skin. Phil wanted to cry. He wanted to know why Dan would harm himself. Phil leant his head against Dan's shoulder. "You don't need to apologise to me, Dan, you need to apologise to yourself for this."

"I need to apologise to you, Phil. I'm slowly losing my mind."

Phil looked into Dan's deep brown eyes. "Why? What's wrong, Dan?"

Dan ran his fingers over the cut, spreading the blood around. Phil put his hand on him. "Don't. Let's get you cleaned up, then you can tell me what's bothered you so much you did this." Phil's voice was soft and comforting.

Dan shook his head. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"You'll hate me."

"I could never hate you."

 

**_I heard that you've been,_ **

**_having some trouble finding your place in the world,_ **

**_I know how much that hurts,_ **

**_but if you need a friend,_ **

**_then please just say the word..._ **

 

Dan and Phil sat down on the sofa in silence. Dan was fiddling with his bandages that were covering his cuts, the only things keeping him slightly sane. Phil didn't really know what to say or do, he'd never been in a position where he had to comfort someone who had hurt themselves this way.

"Why are you here, Phil?" Dan asked, breaking the silence.

"Because I want to be, Dan. I want to be there for you, all you have to do is ask me."

"I don't want to be a nuisance."

"Dan," Phil said, turning his body around to face the brown-haired man beside him. "You're not."

"Stop it. Just fucking stop it!" Dan raised his voice. "I don't want you to stay with me out of sympathy!"

"Dan, calm down."

"I hate everything. That's not even an exaggeration. I literally hate everything. Everything fucking sucks. What is this bullshit we call life?"

"Dan..."

"No. What's the point? What's the point in living? What are we even doing? I'm..." Dan broke down, tears falling down his red cheeks.

"You're what, Dan?"

"Breaking. I'm fucking breaking."

"You're not breaking, Dan. You're just having a hard time, everyone has them."

"You don't understand, Phil. You have a place in this Godforsaken world. You have a close relationship with everyone you know. You have a close to perfect life."

"I don't have a close to perfect life at all, Dan. And, I know it hurts right now, but it will get better."

Dan wiped his face. "That's what everyone says. My question is, when? When will this get better? When will life feel worth living?"

Phil sucked in a breath. "When you let it, Dan. Look at me." Phil said. Dan obliged, looking up at Phil. "I wasn't always happy-go-lucky. I used to have the exact same thoughts as you running through my head, Dan, but you know what I did?"

Dan held Phil's gaze. "What?"

"I stopped listening to the small voice in my head saying I wasn't good enough."

"That worked?"

"Mostly. I know it's not as simple as that, and I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but at least try?"

Dan nodded his head.

 

**_You've come this far,_ **

**_You're all cleaned up,_ **

**_You've made a mess again,_ **

**_There's no more trying,_ **

**_It's time to sort yourself out._ **

 

Dan stood in front of the mirror, drinking in his appearance. It had been a month since Phil had caught him doing the only thing that helped his sanity. He looked down at the scars on his wrists. The ugly scars, he wished he could remove. The ones that stood out loud against his skin. Dan yanked the sleeves of his jumper down in frustration.

"Dan, are you okay in there?" Phil called, knocking lightly on the door.

"Dan sighed. "I'm alright, Phil."

"Can I come in?"

Dan sat down on his bed. "Yeah. Sure."

Phil opened the door. "Are you ready to go?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

"It'll be fine, Dan. Remember, if you get anxious or uncomfortable-"

Dan cut him off. "If I get the urge to slice my wrist, you mean?" Dan snarled.

Phil winced slightly, before composing himself. "No, Dan. Listen to me. If you feel nervous or anxious about anything, just walk away. Don't push yourself. You're doing so well with this."

Dan forced a smile. "Noted."

"And I'll be with you all night."

Dan and Phil walked out of their flat, Dan psyching himself up to see his friends for the first time in a while.

All through the night, Dan fiddled with his covered wrists, scared that his sleeves would randomly roll up and his scars would show. He knew how disgusting they looked, he knew he friends wouldn't stick around if they knew how messed up he was. Phil, he supposed, was the one exception, as he never did leave Dan's side.

"Dan?" Phil whispered, a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm fine, Phil," I mumbled back, forcing a smile.

"You alright, Dan?" PJ asked, his green eyes fixated on Dan's face.

"Will everyone stop fucking asking me that? I'm fine!" Dan stood up and stormed off, all of his friends' eyes were watching him.

"Where are you going?" Phil questioned, catching him up.

"I'm going to the fucking bathroom, Phil. Do you have to keep following me around like a lost puppy? It's really fucking annoying."

"I'm just worried about you," he retorted, crossing his arms. His eyes were staring down at my jumper clad wrists.

"You don't need to be. I'm over it."

"Self-harm isn't as easy as 'just stopping' or 'getting over it'," Phil whispered, making sure none of their friends could hear their hushed conversation.

"It was for me. If you really think I'm going to do something stupid, following me into the God-damn bathroom."

Phil took a step back and raised his eyebrows. "Dan, please. Don't do anything stupid."

"I'm not. Wait for me out there, I'll be back in a few. I promise, I won't do anything dumb."

Phil hesitated, but turned on his heel and walked back to their friends nonetheless.

Dan made his way into the bathroom. He stood in front of the sink, staring at his face in the mirror. He noted everything he hated about his face. The dark circles under his boring brown eyes, the ugly chapped lips from where he'd been chewing it incessantly, his 'hobbit-hair' as the fans called it. To him, everything about his was just utterly ugly. He hated the way he looked. Dan ran his finger through his natural, unstraightened hair and sighed.

When he returned to his friends, Phil rushed over. "Can I talk to you?"

Before Dan could reply, Phil pulled him through the living room and out into the empty, quiet hallway. Phil took Dan's hand lightly and pulled up his sleeve, sighing happily when he didn't see any new cuts.

"Thank you, Dan."

"I made a promise," Dan replied, forcing a smile.

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan. "I mean it. Thank you for not doing anything stupid."

That night, as Phil tossed and turned in his sleep, Dan sat on the side of the bath tub, slicing lines across his wrist with a sharp blade, crying quietly. The warm, salty tears fell upon his bleeding wounds, making the pain more intense, yet more soothing to Dan.

 

**_Hold on tight,_ **

**_this ride is a wild one,_ **

**_make no mistake,_ **

**_the day will come when you can't cover up what you've done._ **

 

Phil snuggled up to Dan on the sofa, as Dan stared off into thin air. He knew he'd broken his promise to Phil, he just couldn't bring himself to care. For the first time in over a month, he felt just that tiny bit saner.

"Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you thinking?" Phil detached himself from Dan, and looking into his deep, dark brown eyes that he had always loved.

"Nothing in particular." Dan fiddled with the hem of his jumper, anxiousness taking over.

"Dan... Be honest with me. What are you thinking about?"

"Stop being to fucking clingy, Phil. It's suffocating me." Dan stood up from the sofa. "Just leave me alone."

"It won't always be easy to cover it up, Dan," Phil said softly as Dan made his way from the room. Dan stopped dead in this tracks and turned to face his friend.

"What?"

"It won't always be easy to cover it up, Dan," Phil repeated.

Dan dropped to his knees, head in his hands. He sobbed, his whole body shaking as he did. Phil knelt down beside him, wrapping one arm around his shoulder.

"Don't. Don't touch me," Dan snarled, pushing Phil from him.

Dan stood up and ran to the bathroom, where he locked the door and sat down on the floor his entire body shaking from the sobs that were erupting.

 

**_Now don't lose your fight, Kid,_ **

**_it only takes a little push to pull on through,_ **

**_with so much left to do;_ **

**_you'll be missing out, and we'll be missing you._ **

 

Three days, and several cuts later, Dan finally tried what he'd wanted to do for so long. Luckily, thanks to Phil, it was a failed attempt. He was rushed to hospital, his stomach was pumped and a few days later, after being deemed 'okay' by the doctors, he was let home. Throughout it all, Phil never once left Dan's side. Just like he'd promised, he was there with Dan through everything.

Dan wanted to get better now, in fact, he was desperate to. He couldn't help but remember the feelings he'd had as the pills took over his body. He couldn't help but remember all the thoughts that had ran through his brain. He remembered that he'd felt the mistake of it all the moment he'd swallowed the handful of pills. That's why, when Phil had rushed in and called an ambulance, Dan was happier than he'd been in a long time.

Dan and Phil sat on the sofa. Dan was quiet. Phil thought Dan was angry at him for finding him, but really, Dan was happy Phil had saved him. He didn't want to lose the fight was having with his body. He wanted, with Phil's help, to pull through and come out on the other side. 

 

**_I heard that you've been,_ **

**_having trouble finding your place in the world,_ **

**_I know how much that hurts,_ **

**_and if you need a friend,_ **

**_then please just say the word._ **

 

"I'm ready to talk," Dan said. "I mean, properly talk about everything that's been going through my head."

"As always, I'm ready to listen."

Dan shifted to face Phil, then took Phil's soft hands in his own. He took a deep breath. "The world is a big place, full of people of all races, religions and languages. In fact, it's a huge place. It's such a big place that sometimes, I just don't know where I stand, or fit in. It seems everyone around me has found their place, and they all have their lives put together. Everyone my age knows exactly what they want in life. I don't. I don't know my place in this massive world, and it's driving me insane. I feel like I'm not good enough, and every time those feelings start swarming my brain, I crack. I do what I do as a coping mechanism." Dan stopped talking, looking down at his sleeves. "I feel like shit, all of the time. I know you try to make me feel better but most of the time, you just make me feel guilty."

"Why?"

"I feel guilty that here you are, at the prime of your life, worrying about me. I feel guilty that my shitty feelings, and bad addictions, drag you down. I feel guilty that you stay here without complaining because of how I am. I feel guilty that you feel like you actually need to stay."

"Dan, I'm not here because I feel like I have to be. I'm here because here, with you, is where I want to be. I know you'll eventually get over this, and don't think for a second I won't be right beside you when you do."

"This is what I mean. You're too good for me."

"Don't say that, we both know that's bullshit."

"Phil?" Dan looked up at Phil, who was staring intently at him with tears in his eyes.

"Yeah?"

"I want you to help me. I want to get better. For you."

"I'll do anything I can to help, but, Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"You're doing this for you as well."

"I know."

 

_**Grit your teeth, pull your hair,** _

_**paint the walls black and scream, "Fuck the world,** _

_**'cause it's my life, I'm going to take it back."** _

_**And never for a second blame yourself.** _

 

Dan held onto Phil for support, they were standing on their balcony, looking over the city of London. The lights of all the buildings were beautiful from this high up. It was times like this that Dan was incredibly thankful Phil had saved his life. Dan smiled as he and Phil watched the small people walking in the streets.

"You ready?"

Dan nodded his head. "You bet."

"Go!"

Dan pushed his fingers into his hair and tugged softly. "Fuck the world! I'm taking my life back!" He screamed, laughing slightly.

"How'd you feel?" Phil asked.

"Surprisingly, a little better. That felt good."

"Do it again then. Do it until your throat is sore, and your scalp hurts."

"Fuck the world!" Dan repeated, louder this time.

Dan stood on that balcony screaming at the top of his lungs until he could barely talk. He and Phil flopped down on the sofa, laughing heavily.

"Now, every time you get the urge to do something stupid, you go out there and scream until it's all out of your system."

"Thank you, Phil. Despite still having the feelings of not knowing what I'm doing with my life, that helped."

Phil rested his head on Dan's shoulder. "Please, if you ever get the urge and that doesn't help, come to me. Don't suffer through this alone, Dan."

"I will."

* * *

It had been three years since Dan finally cleaned himself up. The ugly scars were almost completely faded, and his need to shout on the balcony were less often. He still had his bad days, the days he just spent curled up crying onto Phil's shoulder. The bad days where he needed to scream for hours to stop himself from relapsing. He no longer felt the constant weight on his shoulders though. He no longer felt like he was drowning in an invisible ocean. He still had the days where he felt like he had no idea what he was doing with his life, but overall, he was okay.

Phil snuggled up to Dan. "Three years clean today."

"Yeah," Dan mumbled.

"I'm so proud of you, Dan."

"I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, Phil. I'm proud of you for sticking with me through it all. Through the shouting, through the self-harm and suicide attempt. You really are something, Phil."

"I'm never leaving you, Dan."

"Why? Why do you care so much?" It was the first time in a long time that Dan had asked that question, and it took Phil by surprise. Phil thought Dan knew exactly why cared so much. 

"Because, dummy, I love you. As crazy as it sounds, I love the dark circles under your eyes." He softly ran his fingers under Dan's eyes. "I love your chapped, yet soft, lips." He lent up and pressed a soft kiss to them. "I love your natural, curly hair." Phil ran his slender fingers through the natural hair Dan was currently sporting. "Dan, I love every little thing about you. I wouldn't leave you even if you begged me to."

"I'm useless, though."

Phil pushed himself off of Dan. "Who says that? The voices?"

"There are no voices, Phil. It's the fans."

"The fans don't know you Dan. They only say it when you don't upload videos on time, or your miss a live show. But, you know what?"

"What?"

"Who cares? Who cares what the fans think? They don't know you like I do, and I'm completely and utterly in love with you. You're far from useless, Dan."

"I love you, Phil. I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

Phil leant back against Dan, humming a tune softly.

"What's that?"

"What's what?"

"The song you're humming, it sounds pretty."

"It's _Missing_ _You_ by _All Time Low._ Brilliant song. Reminds me a little of you."

"Why's that?"

"Because, it's about someone fighting the battle of depression. You fought valiantly, brave soldier."

"I fought so hard because of you, Phil."

"I'm glad you did."


End file.
